you DIDNT ask for this, so THERE..

[ECA]

IRISH SMILES
Only the Irish have jokes like these:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over bya train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruisedand he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that toyou, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and aterrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn'tyou have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thingof beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
======================================


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink isdriving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weavingviolently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the copto the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few todrink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his armsacross his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out ofyour car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, Ithought I'd gone deaf."
================================================== ===

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" heasks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim, But where's myhusband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident atthe Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout anddrowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least goquickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee"
==================================================

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after hisSunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's botheringyou, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away lastnight."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he haveany last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."The priest says, "What did heask, Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damngun.'
================================================== ==

AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic church. enters a confessional booth, sits downbut says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but thedrunk continues to sit there. Finally the Priest pounds three times on thewall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on thisside either."

[ECA]

*/
Dear Mr. Baker, /*


*/As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of my coworkers and me during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time. /*


*/Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of
everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a
waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I
know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to
provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly
attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. /*


*/You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why
people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I
am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your
shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. /*


*/You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in
others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked
for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn
it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring
ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae
that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of
the Dilbert principle. Since this situation is unlikely to change without
you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my
resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts. /*


*/1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for
you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I
prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next
couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do
it on your own. /*


*/2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get
cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently
saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms
like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration. /*


*/3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's
birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of
yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the
techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd
acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and
kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of
recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct
your mistakes.) /*


*/Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my
desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your
little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f***
with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all
that free time! /*


*/Wishing you a grand and glorious day, /*

[nightowl]

Voted best Irish joke of the year!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."