Tech Support!

[RageSlave]

What if Dr. Seuss wrote technical manuals?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
"Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

[RageSlave]

Top 12 things you don't want to hear from tech support
12. 'Do you have a sledgehammer or brick handy?'
11. '... that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it.'
10. 'So -- what are you wearing?'
9. 'Bummer Duuuuuuuude'
8. 'Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.'
7. 'Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if you're with the FTC'
6. 'We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.'
5. 'I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.'
4. 'In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.'
3. ' Hold on a second....... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!'
2. 'Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics.' and the number 1 thing you don't want to hear from tech support...
1. 'Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney.'

[RageSlave]

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0,Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this is all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.

Can you help, please!!!!
Jane

******************
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0,and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!
Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to instal Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Supportfully enjoy this product!

[dang]

I like:
10. 'So -- what are you wearing?'

[RageSlave]

To: Tech Support

I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded
from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began
unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon occuring in the product
brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs
and launches during system initialization, where it monitors other
system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5 and Motorcycle Touring 98 no longer run, crashing the system
whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background
while attempting to run some of my favorite applications. I am thinking
of going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but Uninstall does not work on this
program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks, Fred
**************
Dear Fred:

This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is mostly
due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0
to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by
its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to
purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden
operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate
Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete or
purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go
back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with
more problems than with the original system. Look in your manual under
"Warnings - Alimony/ Child Support." I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and
just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnerships Faults (GPF). You must
assume all responsibilty for faults and problems that may occur,
regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be enter the
command C:/APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the operating system will return to normal. The system will run
smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider
buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I
recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any
circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a
supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible
damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support