Funnies: Week of 12-21-03

[IronSerif]

Well I think I'm back! Sorry I haven't posted the funnies, or for that matter, even posted at all the last couple of weeks. I really needed to lockdown and study for finals. That took the majority of my time...and then last week I got hit with the flu! Unbelievable....that was the last thing I needed. So that set me back on posting, as well as Christmas shopping lol.

Christmas is right around the corner! I would also like to send a special thanks to 3 of my closests friends who got me a Gamecube with lots of games...how'd they know I wanted one ;)

Well enough blabber...time for the funnies! Enjoy :D

[IronSerif]

Speaking of Christmas...might as well start off with some Christmas stuff.

Take a Christmas Quiz (http://www.atomicdeathray.com/unprofessional/xmasquiz.html) to see if you have Christmas spirit! Haven't tried this one out yet...maybe I'll do it while wrapping some gifts tonight.


Also...here is some flash (http://www.theholidaze.com/) of some sort of psychedelic Christmas thing. It's hard to explain...but after a few secs the flash and song gave me a headache. So I hope you enjoy it as much as I did :)

[IronSerif]

I think I posted this a LONG long time ago...but AngelHater10 sent me the link and it's just too good not to post it :)

It's a video of some high school talent show, and these kids are all wiggly and dancy with their bodies. Gettin their groove on eh...

Click here to view it. (http://www.kollaboration.org/movie/kolla2001.wmv)

Too cool eh?

Want to see somethin cooler? Then check out The Wrong Bananas (http://www.rathergood.com/bananas/) flash.

I don't know if I can move my body like those kids did in that earlier movie clip...but I'm sure can attempt to sing like the guys in the wrong bananas flash!


I might as well sneak this in here to lol. I know Ian already posted this, but oh well...Shake the snowglobe! (http://ww12.e-tractions.com/snowglobe/globe.htm) Fun eh? :) You people are sick!

[IronSerif]

Here's something for all you old school people out there...

or for those who like making fun of old school people...

Here is a huge collection of commercial ads from the '80's!

I haven't viewed any of them yet...but man just looking at some of the pictures I can tell this is gonna be hilarious.

click here to view the list (http://www.x-entertainment.com/downloads/)

The only one that I think I can really remember is the "California Raisins" commercial lol!

[IronSerif]

Remember how I love beer and spoof ad/commercials?

Well this is nothing like any of those...

This is basically a clip that advertises cat herding.

And you thought Cattle Herding was a hard job...psh

Click here (http://a360.g.akamai.net/f/360/1083/24h/www.eds.com/superbowl/videos/cats.mov) to watch these professoinal cat herders

[IronSerif]

Ok time for some holiday humor!

-Symbols of Christmas-


Three guys pass away on Christmas Eve and are met by St.
Peter.

St. Peter says, "In honor of the season, you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two
lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?" asks St. Peter.

"They're candles!"

"Ah! You may pass through the Pearly Gates."

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a
couple sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes
them.

"What do they symbolize?" inquires St. Peter.

"They're bells!"

"Ah! You may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets,
finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky woman's panties.
He holds them up proudly.

Puzzled, St. Peter asks, "What do they symbolize?"

"They're Carol's!"

[IronSerif]

I'm sure we ALL can relate to this :)

Top ten things to say about a Christmas Gift you don't like:



10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've
fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season
though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection
Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my
gifts to charity.

And the Number One Thing to say about a Christmas gift you
don't like:

1. "I really don't deserve this."

[IronSerif]

Fruitcake Recipe


1 cup water
1 cup of sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is
of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

[IronSerif]

Well I'm done the funnies for one night, but I just want to say that I'm glad to be back posting again and hope that everyone enjoys this upcoming week :)

and I shall leave you on this...

Merry Christmas from...

The Amazin Horror Masked Karate Killer Girl From Mars (http://www.terrorpilot.com/portfolio/merryxmas/)

Night everyone :)

[ECA]

Flu, had it, didnt like it.
Cat herders, LMAO.

[IronSerif]

I hear ya man, I didn't like it either.

I didn't think I was gonna get it I was the last one around here to get it....blah

[llbbl]

The dancing stuff rules!!!

http://www.kollaboration.org/movie/uptempo.wmv

This one is good too ......
http://www.kollaboration.org/movie/breakdown.wmv

Any mortal combat fans??
http://www.kollaboration.org/movie/fightclub.wmv

damn I think i watched all of those ...


I found some kittens who have major problems...

http://www.rathergood.com/vines/

[ECA]

talk about cats with Gingavitis..

[IronSerif]

haha good stuff bro! Gives me somethin to go through today at work :)

[ECA]

Im trying to contact a few Fan makers for a customized fan. One mounted to the exterior side of a case Over the mobo, and at least 10 inches.
I will see what happens.

[IronSerif]

Dear Santa,

I wuld like a kool space ranjur fer xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
Billy


Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in trash disposal. How about I send you a freaking dictionary so youc an learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least he can spell!

Santa



Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis


Dear Francis,

I'll tell you what, I'll send you a round trip ticket to the North Pole so when you get here I can kick some sense into your head.

Who names their kid "Francis" anyway?

I'll bet you're gay. I'll send you the village people album instead.

Santa



Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Your friend,
Jessica


Dear Jessica,

Are you really that stupid?

I hope my reindeer crash into your window and trample your family in their sleep for having such a stupid child.

I'm skipping your house.

Santa



Dear Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our hous, so how do you get into our home?

Your mate,
Marky


Dear Marky,

First of all, stop calling yourself "Marky". That's why you're getting your butt whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a row-rent apartment complex in Mt. Druitt.
I can get inside your crap hole just like all the crims do. I'll mail your mum some crack the week before Xmas and she'll leave me a key. I'm sending you food stamps for Xmas.

Santa



Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,
Sarah



Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa



Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love from your friend,
Susan


Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the craps and carrots make the deer fart in my face.

You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up.

Santa

[ECA]

Love that last one.

[IronSerif]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

[IronSerif]

http://poststuff2.entensity.net/122203/image.php?pic=bachelorjackson.jpg

[ECA]

Bad, bad bad.
Bad tast.
Bad timing.
Bad idea.

[v8juice]

Santa Claus - a scientific analysis
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 10 in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).

At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a Poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself.

On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them, Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons

Traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs.

Merry Christmas.

[IronSerif]

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged



Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Depression --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

[IronSerif]

Well Christmas is over...but a buddy of mine posted this in another forum and it's funny as anything :)


The Christmas Party Memos


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
TO: Everyone

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. Full open bar, and plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize the Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm hapy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads "AA Only" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - the days are so short this time of year - or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay????


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by the idea of having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan", there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we PLEASE lighten up a little?


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resouces Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? For chrissakes, I've just about had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecuem whether you like it or not! You may sit quietly at the table farthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your damn salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too...they scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now!


FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy now?