Funnies?? 07-25-04

[ECA]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040724/lft040725.gif

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040724/lcrbc040725.gif

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/umedia/20040725/cp.694804317e39c2b818b05fb40167b585

[ECA]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040724/lnq040725.gif

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/umedia/20040725/cp.988381303f5b620aa2b2313cb091ad18

[IronSerif]

Here's a quick one then I gotta go back to work :(

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a
light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.
They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS
before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they
wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that
they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past
SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle,
actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that
they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the
STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER
THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT
THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL
SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE
12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE
HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

[Teknishun]

Here is a list of some of the more insidious computer virus from recent years:
Paul Revere Virus - warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus- instantly turns 1 KB of disk space into 1 MB of disk space

Ollie North Virus - plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files

Joey Buttafuaco Virus - only attacks minor files

Sandy Berger Virus - stuffs files into it's folders, then deletes them

Denise Austin Virus - attacks your hard drive's FAT

Tonya Harding Virus - turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

Oprah Winfrey Virus - your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T Virus - every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus - every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

Politically Correct Virus - never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus - activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - terminates and stays resident: it'll be back

Government Economist Virus - nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine

Federal Bureaucrat Virus - divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer

Jane Fonda Virus - aids and abets other viruses on your system while your antivirus program tries to delete them

Adam and Eve Virus - takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer

Congressional Virus #1 - the computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem

Congressional Virus #2 - runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything

Airline Virus - you're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore

PBS Virus - your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money

Jimmy Hoffa Virus - your programs can never be found again

...from the DMOZ website humor section (some slightly modified)

[IronSerif]

Can't stay long....so here's a quick joke before I get back to work!

Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"

Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"

Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."

About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"


reading the virus list joke now :)

[llbbl]

eheh . good ones!

[IronSerif]

Here's another one :)


Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

[ECA]

Colorful wasnt he..