Funnies: Week of 08-08-04

[IronSerif]

AHh been pretty busy the past week. Had lotsa family from CA come over and visit us. So I had to do the whole "host" gig :poke

ANyways...let the good times roll! Joke time :crazy

[IronSerif]

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied.

[IronSerif]

Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

[IronSerif]

You Know You Live In Texas When...

You can say "110 degrees" without fainting.

You eat hot chilis to cool your mouth off.

You can make instant sun tea.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

If the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water comes out of both taps.

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cooking to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

[llbbl]

LOL good ones Iron !!

[ECA]

hmmmmm

[IronSerif]

This will teach you to be more careful with your secretary lol



One man explaining to another why he fired his secretary:

"Two weeks ago," I said, "was my forty-fifth birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into the kitchen for breakfast knowing that my wife would be pleasant and say 'Happy Birthday' and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say 'Good Morning' let alone say 'Happy Birthday'.

"I said to myself Well that's wives for you. The children will remember.' But the children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. And when I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent.

As I walked into my office, Janet said 'Good Morning, Boss-Happy Birthday' and I felt a little bit better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, so let's go to lunch, just you and I.' I said, 'By George, that is the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let's go.'

"We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, we went out into the country to a private place. We had two Martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

"On the way back to the office, she said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do we?' I said, 'No, I guess not.'

"She said, 'Let's go by my apartment, and I'll fix you another Martini.'

"We went to her apartment. We enjoyed another Martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable' and I allowed her as I didn't mind at all.

"She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake followed by my wife and children. All were singing 'Happy Birthday' and there I sat with nothing on but my socks."

[IronSerif]

Check out the size of this hamburger. 9lbs!

[ECA]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040809/lnq040810.gif

[IronSerif]

An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk drawer and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs. Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong - the usual stuff - and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "blame me!" He does this and gets off the hook. Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope.

The message inside says "Write two envelopes".

[IronSerif]

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood.

"Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me."

The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her?

"Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story.

"Well, thash me!"

[ECA]

http://jibjab.com/
FLASH