funnies 08-015-04

[ECA]

OK, some reality...

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20040813/ap_on_fe_st/train_ticketed&e=5
A mile-long freight train was ticketed by police for blocking a dozen city crossings for almost an hour as it awaited the arrival of a replacement crew.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20040814/ap_on_fe_st/police_chase_lake&e=4
A police chase ended when a Long Island motorist drove into a backyard pond and tried to smoke a crack pipe just before his car sank, police said.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=857&ncid=757&e=10&u=/nm/20040813/od_uk_nm/oukoe_odd_britain_rabbit
A rabbit set alight by a bonfire at a cricket club got its revenge when it ran burning into a hut and set it ablaze destroying costly equipment, the club says

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=857&ncid=757&e=10&u=/nm/20040814/od_uk_nm/oukoe_olympics_fire
Hundreds of fireworks set off during a reception of heads of state at the home of the Athens Olympics chief in northern Athens set a nearby park on fire, police officials have said.

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1506&e=7&u=/afp/us_people_offbeat
An angry businessman who was sued by California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (news - web sites) for marketing bobblehead dolls in his likeness said he would now market "Arnie" urinal cakes.

[ECA]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040814/lnq040815.gif

[ECA]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040814/ltmsho040815.gif

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040814/ldb040815.gif

[ECA]

"I mean, if you've ever been a governor of a state, you understand the vast potential of broadband technology, you understand how hard it is to make sure that physics, for example, is taught in every classroom in the state. It's difficult to do. It's, like, cost-prohibitive."—Washington, D.C., June 24, 2004

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."—Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 (Thanks to Alicia Butler.)

"And I am an optimistic person. I guess if you want to try to find something to be pessimistic about, you can find it, no matter how hard you look, you know?"—Washington, D.C., June 15, 2004 (Thanks to Robert Irwin.)

"[A] free Iraq is essential to our respective securities."—Washington, D.C., June 1, 2004

"I want to thank my friend, Sen. Bill Frist, for joining us today. … He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. (Laughter.) Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me."—Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein."—Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004

"More Muslims have died at the hands of killers than—I say more Muslims—a lot of Muslims have died—I don't know the exact count—at Istanbul. Look at these different places around the world where there's been tremendous death and destruction because killers kill."—Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004 (Thanks to Michael Shively.)

"One of the most meaningful things that's happened to me since I've been the governor—the president—governor—president. Oops. Ex-governor. I went to Bethesda Naval Hospital to give a fellow a Purple Heart, and at the same moment I watched him—get a Purple Heart for action in Iraq—and at that same—right after I gave him the Purple Heart, he was sworn in as a citizen of the United States—a Mexican citizen, now a United States citizen."—Washington, D.C., Jan. 9, 2004

[T]he illiteracy level of our children are appalling."—Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004 (Thanks to Lewell Gunter.)

"See, without the tax relief package, there would have been a deficit, but there wouldn't have been the commiserate—not 'commiserate'—the kick to our economy that occurred as a result of the tax relief."

"[T]he best way to find these terrorists who hide in holes is to get people coming forth to describe the location of the hole, is to give clues and data."

"[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say."—Washington, D.C., Oct. 28, 2003

The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the—the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice."—Washington, D.C., Oct. 27, 2003 (Thanks to Robert Hack.)

"See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction."—Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003

"[T]hat's just the nature of democracy. Sometimes pure politics enters into the rhetoric."—Crawford, Texas, Aug. 8, 2003 (Thanks to Inigo Thomas.)

http://politics.slate.msn.com/?id=76886

Aint even half done..

[ECA]

With a Prez like this, do we need funnies...

[ECA]

http://video.cgi.cbsnews.com/video/video.pl?url=/media/2004/08/03/video633718.rm&sid=201&ad=/media/2004/07/06/video627884.rm

24 hours...Track .8 miles, and ALOT of guts....Lawnmower rally.

[IronSerif]

Good job bro, my turn :)


A man returns home from an expidition very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."

[IronSerif]

Time to get some jokes rollin!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good
and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
and relax... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the
back of mine!"

[IronSerif]

I probably heard this joke about 100 times, but I still get a good laugh


A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine
now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up
and one of them S*#t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye
just from some bird S*%t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[ECA]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040815/lnq040816.gif
LOVE this comic..

[ECA]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040816/lnq040817.gif

[llbbl]

"[A]s you know, these are open forums, you're able to come and listen to what I have to say."—Washington, D.C., Oct. 28, 2003 "


THIS QUOTE ROCKS!

[ECA]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040817/lnq040818.gif

WHERE's MY MTV...

[IronSerif]

A blonde was plugging dollar after dollar into the coke machine at a large Vegas casino. She kept punching the buttons only to have happen what you'd expect. Cans of soda popped out, one after the other, and change too!

After a while, she ran out of dollar bills so went and got more. Back at it she went, blocking the way to the other vending machines with the mounting pile of soda. All kinds. It didn't seem to matter to the young lady.

People were starting to gather, seeing this beautiful woman enthusiastically plugging money in like it was fun. The people were gathering more though waiting their turn at the machines.

After watching a while, someone asked from the rear of the group, 'Hey, how much soda does one blonde need?'

'Hey back off, buddy,' she retorts, 'can't you see I'm winning here?'

[ECA]

Consider that those machines cost $1.75 for a POP..

[IronSerif]

I got this in an email from a friend of mine. Enjoy!


Subject: Fw: A guy's side of the story


At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally,
the Guys' side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note .. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is Fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[IronSerif]

Consider that those machines cost $1.75 for a POP..

I know man, thats pure rape omg:

[ECA]

Love that post on MEN, its VERY good.