Love This Comic...

[ECA]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040831/lnq040901.gif

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040830/lnq040831.gif

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20040828/lnq040829.gif

[ECA]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/umedia/20040826/cp.077610b66aaf7a5955a51f630e3bb826

[ECA]

http://x-entertainment.com/articles/0913/

And for those BORED persons....

[ECA]

http://www.berkeleybreathed.com/Images/hamster-GRAB_1.jpg

[ECA]

http://www.berkeleybreathed.com/Images/outland_full.jpg

[ECA]

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/duncanguy

[IronSerif]

The Diary of an AOL User

July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 22 I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25. That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DiN'T KNOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.

August 10 I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.

August 12 I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.

August 14 Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

[IronSerif]

Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle

Being told to "Think Outside the Box" when I'm in the @#$%? box all day!

Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.

Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.

Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.

Women: Damned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.

Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.

23 power cords, 1 outlet.

Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.

When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.

Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

[ECA]

you can SLAM the door...
But you'd probably knock down ALOT of cubes doing it...

[IronSerif]

There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.

God says, "There are 3,000 steps and I'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.

Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.

On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?", so she replies, "I just got the first joke!".

[IronSerif]

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

[ECA]

Thats a real floater.

[ECA]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to
the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks,

"What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The
nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,

"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit
holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,

"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the
end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He
trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
behind him.


As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

[TStarnes]

hahahaha, that is freaking hilarious.

[ECA]

> > >Charm School
> > >
> > >Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation while
> >waiting in the LAX airport. The 1st lady was an arrogant California woman
> >married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from
> >the South.
> > >
> > >When the conversation centered on if they had any children the
> >California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
> >husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
> > >
> > >The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?
> > >
> > >The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
> >bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."
> > >
> > >Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?
> > >
> > >The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was
> >born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
> > >
> > >Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?
> > >
> > >The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy
> >for you when you had your first child?"
> > >
> > >"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
> > >
> > >"Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"
> > >
> > >The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying
> >'Who gives a ****?' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?"

[IronSerif]

Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen?
A: FarFromThinking

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"


Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.


Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.


Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil. (EWWWWW)


Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

[IronSerif]

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

[IronSerif]

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages


Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.


Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.


Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

[IronSerif]

One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...

A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky. He asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

The man replied, "Is that your final answer?"

She said "Yes."

"OK, then I'd like to phone a friend." he replied.

[IronSerif]

Top Ten Signs You Know You've Joined A Redneck HMO...

10. Your ****** prescription includes a Popsicle stick and some duct tape.

9. The only 100% covered expense is embalming.

8. Your Prozac comes in colors and has little "m"s on each pill.

7. Preventive Care Coverage includes "an apple a day".

6. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

5. The Lone Star Bar and Grill is an approved pharmacy.

4. The only proctologist lists his address as Rotorooter.

3. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

2. Directions to the Dr.'s office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park".

1. The annual breast exam is conducted at Hooter's

[IronSerif]

hehe this is awesome...

One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

[ECA]

Love that last one, heard it before..

"" was stalking out""??

Stackeing??

[IronSerif]

A man escapes from a prison after 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns, but he only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair.

While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years, I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, just do what he tells you, and give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he's angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you, too!

[ECA]

Good One...