Jokes for the last week of september

[IronSerif]

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

[IronSerif]

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by
the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

[ECA]

And the current batch of Buffalo arnt enough to keep a healthy batch.
after the Major Slaughters of the 1800's all that was left were the sick ones.

[ECA]

In Virginia, chickens cannot lay eggs before 8:00 a.m., and must be done before 4:00 p.m.

In New York, it is against the law for children to pick up or collect cigarette and cigar butts.

In Washington State, you can't carry a concealed weapon that is over 6 feet in length.

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

"Formicophilia" is the fetish for having small insects crawl on your genitals.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation, called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would crack and break off... thus the saying.

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

In one day, 230 marriage licenses are issued in Las Vegas.

An olive tree can live up to 1500 years.

In the movie "The Wizard Of Oz," Toto the dog's salary was $125 a week, while Judy Garland was $500 a week.

Bugs Bunny was originally called "Happy Rabbit."

Death is hereditary.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

Smoking is a dying art.

The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.
(attributed to George W Bush Jr.)

You never know what real happiness is until you get married, and then it is too late.

Marriage is a very expensive way to get your laundry done.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.

When you hear someone uttering Oh-Oh while flushing the toilet, it is already too late.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Every year more than 2500 left handed people are killed from using right handed products.

[ECA]

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way


Instructions on how to clean your toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come
from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse."

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people
between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.






8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

[IronSerif]

House cleaning rules for guys:


Sweeping and Mopping the Floors

Have dog sweep floors with tail and lick up all crumbs...(any stubborn spots that require scrubbing recruit cat... may have to add tuna water to spot). If you don't have a dog or cat...well you are in trouble.... go find one roaming the neighbourhood quick!

Vacuuming

Call for demo from salesman. Have him show you how the vacuum works in all parts of the house... insisting the carpet looks the same... but really is different in all parts of the house. Tips for success: Don't always call same company... keep a chart and rotate.

Dusting

Only do what is at eye level or below. And only right before someone is coming over! Run rag over everything quickly (don't even waste your precious time on the Pledge or Endust... that's minutes away from your computer...and that just is unacceptable!) For the illusion of using those products... spray a few squirts to air like air freshener.

Laundry

First find a good place to hide it! If you have to do it... like you have no underwear... (heck who needs underwear). Okay...lets say its time to fold those rotten clothes... run the dryer again...and again and again... and when the utility bill comes.... have a stroke!

Cleaning Toilet

Close the lid.

Cleaning Shower

Close the shower door or curtain.

Cleaning the Rest of the Bathroom

Close the door. Again... for the illusion of a freshly cleaned bath... pour some lysol in the trash can... that illusion will stay until you finally get someone to empty the trash for you. Speaking of which..

Taking out the Trash

If you cant find anyone in your house to take it out... bribe a neighbour... say you hurt your back or some other sob story...that one might be good for getting at least a few sympathy dinners out of the neighbour as well! Try not to use it too often...they might get suspicious.

Dishes

Dishwasher... if it doesn't come off run it again and again...if that doesn't work... throw the dish out and start fresh. Better yet... paper plates, plastic utensils and plastic cups are far better way to go... (as long as your neighbour is taking out the trash).

[IronSerif]

It's FRIDAY!!!!! (this is the part where you get excited...)



Joke time :)

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series
of promises that really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help get you drunk and plot revenge
against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why? You may ask. Because
you are my friend.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because
you can only think of two and one of them isn't speaking to you right now
anyway.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will
help you move a body. Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel

[ECA]

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If ya cant figure it,
Alaska, DOG SLED, Speed bump, TO FAST...Weeeeee