Funny Stuff: Week of 10-10-04

[IronSerif]

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend
and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in
the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when
we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue
after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see
stars, too." :cheers

[IronSerif]

Check this one out....a friend sent me this Dementia Test in an email. So take the Dimentia test!



Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so...

Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence. So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it."

The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your wn.... OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.



1. What do you put in a toaster?

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Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go
do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, "bread", go to Question 2.


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows
drink?

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Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not
attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously overstressed and may
even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate such as Children's World.
If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is
made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a
black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?

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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green
bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these
questions?????
If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.


4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000
feet over Germany. (If you will recall, Germany at the time was
politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during
the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last
remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally
crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"?

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Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said
ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to
rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated.
If you said, "Don't bury the survivors" then proceed to the next question.


5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every
minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?

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Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything
other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far,
but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the
room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.


6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from
London to Milford Haven in Wales,
In London, 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon, two people get off and four get on.
In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get in.
In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on.
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.

You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the
bus driver?

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Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember? It was
YOU!!


Now pass this along to all your "smart friends" and hope they
better than you did!

[IronSerif]

Yeah it's friday, but we all gotta get through the work day. So what better to help us then some lines of motivation:


If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

It's only unethical if you get caught.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!)

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

We put the "k" in "kwality"

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

Artificial Intelligence in no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.....

We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

Your job is still better than asking "You want fries with that?"

We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed - try management.

At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years

Never quit until you have another job.

TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

[IronSerif]

Are computers males or females? You decide.

TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've
established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more
than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded
in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested
so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an
under powered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you
have their attention.

FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.


Eh...back to work :(

[ECA]

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree every
minute then how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?


Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything
other than "one degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far,
but you are obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the
room. Everyone else proceed to the final question.

WRONG: 5/60=1/12... Hour hand will move in 1 hour 1/12 of 360, 30 degrees. ON A REAL hour hand its ALWAYS 30 degrees...

Hour hand moves 1/120 degrees per second...
12 hours=360 degrees
1 hour = 360/12=30 degrees
1 minute= 30/60= 1/2 degree
1 second=.5/60=.00833333 = 1/120 degree.

there clock is FAST...

[ECA]

http://us.news1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/20041015/lnq041016.gif

[ECA]

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.





Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.



The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"



The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."





Picture this:



All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog!



The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!



True story.... Have a great day and remember... things aren't always as they appear.