Funies...I think...

[ECA]

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[ECA]

A woman who had a painful chronic headache goes to a famous "new age" holistic doctor, as a last resort.

"Doctor, I've tried everything, but my headache just won't go away."

"The doctor replied, "You've come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: "I really don't have a headache; I really don't have a headache". Do it as long as it takes, the headache is just going to vanish."



As she leaves the doctor's office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating, "I really don't have a headache. I really don't have a headache ..."

She has barely said it four times, when she realizes her headache is gone.



Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor. "Doctor, you're a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He's been having problems in a certain department... how can I put it... "

"When was the last time you two had sex?"

"About eight years ago."

"Send him over."



A few days later, she's waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor.

He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her. When he's finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later, he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex, he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.



At this point, the wife has become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating: "That woman is not my wife. That woman is not my wife ...."

[IronSerif]

Well today is the big day....Election Day 2004!

And in honor the intense day ahead of us....time for some political humor :)

Most of these are quotes taken from late night shows and what not.

Not taking any sides on this one folks, we're gonna hit both sides evenly lol.

So first up....the Bush humor. Enjoy!


"An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron. Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president. That's not a moron, that's genius!" —Jay Leno


"As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin laden, the link between Saddam and Osama bin laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his butt with two hands and a flashlight." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"


"Down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'" --David Letterman


"During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's made. And Bush responded, 'This debate, the last debate and the next debate.'" —Bill Maher


"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." —David Letterman


"Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not raise taxes in the next four years. He said I believe it is hard, very difficult to raise taxes when you are not president." —Craig Kilborn

[IronSerif]

Time for the Kerry side! BANG!


"John Kerry met with the AARP. They were having their convention. He gave a speech, then Kerry introduced his retirement plan — his wife, Teresa." —Jay Leno


"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." —David Letterman

"This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message — if I have one.'" —Craig Kilborn


"John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the Senate. Nobody's going to look for him there." —Jay Leno


"Gas prices are up, the stock market is down, Iraq is a mess and John Kerry is saying, 'How am I gonna beat this guy?" —David Letterman


"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno


"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." —David Letterman



Alright guys I'm done for now. There's a ton more political humor out there, but I gotta jump. Have fun today!

[IronSerif]

ugh can't stay long today guys....so here's some blonde jokes! Well, at least a lil twist on'em ;)


WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?

A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.


WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?

Brown-bagging it.


WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?

No one else wants it.


WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?

So brunettes can remember them.


WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?

Invisible.


WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?

"Has the blonde left yet? "


WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?

The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.


WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?

When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?


WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?

The invitation


WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?

A hostage


WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?

Fisher-Price


WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?

It matches their mustache


KNOW WHO INVENTED BLONDE JOKES?

Brunettes, they had nothing better to do while sitting at home on Friday or Saturday nights

[ECA]

NEW YORK (Reuters) - New York officials were red-faced on Friday after they discovered that clothing ads on city buses that appeared to promote reading suggested a love of books could be rewarded with oral sex.



The advertisements that ran on about 200 buses across the city in recent months carried posters displaying a suggestively posed woman in hot pants kneeling among a pile of books beside the snappy slogan "Read Books, Get Brain."

What unhip, unsuspecting local transportation officials did not know was that "get brain" is street slang for oral sex.

The ads -- from hip-hop clothing maker Akademiks, which intended the double-entendre -- was stripped off New York buses on Friday after transportation officials discovered the street slang meaning.

Metropolitan Transit Authority spokesman Tom Kelly condemned the "vulgar street phrases" in the racy ads he said were "demeaning women."

"To me and I believe to everyone else, while it was done by a clothing line, it would give the impression that it was also promoting reading and literacy," Kelly told Reuters.

"It's easy enough to understand how that would get by based upon someone not knowing the expression."

A spokesman for the New York-based clothing maker noted the ad campaign had run since September and "we hadn't had any complaints at all."

New York officials may not be the only ones caught out.

Akademiks also placed the ads on buses and bus shelters in Miami, Chicago, Los Angeles, Detroit, San Francisco and Philadelphia, the company spokesman said.

Kelly, who said he was his 60s, said that after he was tipped to the hidden meaning of the phrase on Thursday he ran a test among some young MTA workers.

"I went downstairs to the mailroom and showed some of the young guys a copy of the ad," he said. "I was watching their faces and they all start smirking.

"Apparently it's on all the music, in music that's how they refer to it," Kelly said. "I didn't know anything about it and I'm sure the people that approved the ad didn't."

Kelly said it was sad that "you can't take things at face value any longer," adding, "We'll have to learn from experience before we accept ads."

[ECA]

NEW YORK (Reuters) - A National Guard F-16 fighter plane mistakenly fired off 25 rounds of ammunition at the Little Egg Harbor Intermediate School in South New Jersey on Wednesday night.



The pilot was meant to fire the rounds some 3 1/2 miles away at a military target range, Lt. Col. Roberta Niedt of the New Jersey Department of Military and Veterans Affairs told reporters in the Jersey shore township's police headquarters.

No one was injured as school was out and a lone custodian was inside the building when the bullets hit.

Damage was minimal as the non-exploding, 20 millimeter bullets left only puncture marks in the school's roof and the asphalt outside the building.

The fighter jet was part of the 113th Wing, District of Columbia Air National Guard assigned to Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland.

An investigation is being conducted into how the pilot mistook the school, located on Frog Pond Road, for a target range.

[ECA]

OTTAWA (Reuters) - The number of U.S. citizens visiting Canada's main immigration Web site has shot up six-fold as Americans flirt with the idea of abandoning their homeland after President Bush (news - web sites)'s election win this week.



"When we looked at the first day after the election, Nov. 3, our Web site hit a new high, almost double the previous record high," immigration ministry spokeswoman Maria Iadinardi said on Friday.

On an average day some 20,000 people in the United States log onto the Web site, www.cic.gc.ca -- a figure which rocketed to 115,016 on Wednesday. The number of U.S. visits settled down to 65,803 on Thursday, still well above the norm.

Bush's victory sparked speculation that disconsolate Democrats and others might decide to start a new life in Canada, a land that tilts more to the left than the United States.

Would-be immigrants to Canada can apply to become permanent resident, a process that often takes a year. The other main way to move north on a long-term basis is to find a job, which requires a work permit.

But please spare the sob stories.

Asked whether an applicant would be looked upon more sympathetically if they claimed to be a sad Democrat seeking to escape four more years of Bush, Iadinardi replied: "There would be no weight given to statements of feelings."

Canada is one of the few major nations with an large-scale immigration policy. Ottawa is seeking to attract between 220,000 and 240,000 newcomers next year.

"Let's face it, we have a population of a little over 32 million and we definitely need permanent residents to come to Canada," said Iadinardi. "If we could meet (the 2005) target and go above it, the more the merrier."

But right now it is too early to say whether the increased interest will result in more applications.

"There is no unusual activity occurring at our visa missions (in the United States). Having someone who intends to come to Canada is not the same as someone actually putting in an application," said Iadinardi.

"We'll only find out whether there has been an increase in applications in six months."

The waiting time to become a citizen is shorter for people married to Canadians, which prompted the birth of a satirical Web site called www.marryanamerican.ca.

The idea of increased immigration by unhappy Americans is triggering some amusement in Canada. Commentator Thane Burnett of the Ottawa Sun newspaper wrote a tongue-in-cheek guide to would-be new citizens on Friday.

"As Canadians, you'll have to learn to embrace and use all the products and culture of Americans, while bad-mouthing their way of life," he said.