Ioman
05-06-2005, 08:59 AM
Got this through e-mail, I doubt its true.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the
funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income,
an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are
to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which
your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented
proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the
playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may,
on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment
fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.
Your Humble Client
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of
the
funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire income,
an
arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are
to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to
your
bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me
to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity
which
your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to
eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial
situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented
proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the
playing field even further. When you call me, press the buttons as follows
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this
may,
on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment
fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year.
Your Humble Client